Q. Are you available to contribute to my newspaper / magazine / website / radio show / television programme / media as yet undevised?
A. Yes, in general.

Q. What if I'm commissioning for some enterprise or other which, while entertaining pretensions to being a serious media operation, hasn't given any thought to how we're going to pay the people who write for us, ie the people who are the only reason anybody would bother with us in the first place?
A. No. Also, I hope the fleas of a thousand camels infest your sock drawer.

Q. What if the exposure might be valuable to you?
A. If you can persuade my bank to let me pay my mortgage in exposure, you're on.

Q. What if I hope to be able to pay writers in future?
A. The very best of luck, sizzlechest. The very minute you can do that, you get in touch.

Q. You wrote a thing I read once ages ago and liked/hated/believe to have contained coded messages from the shape-shifting  lizards who control our destiny, and I can't find it online - can you put it up in the From The Vaults section, so I can show people what a genius/idiot/patsy of the Illuminati you are?
A. Yes. Just ask nicely, either by email or on Twitter.

Q. Where can I find out more about your terrific country band, The Blazing Zoos?
A. Well, thank you for asking. There's a website here, and a Twitter thing here.

Q. Who did the illustrations on the site?
A. Splendid, aren't they? They're the work of Hallie Bateman, who you can find here.

Q. And who were the geniuses who designed the site?
A. That'll be Them Apples. Even though they've already plastered their branding all over the place without so much as a by-your-leave, they can be found here.